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PeopleSmart News Issue 2

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Editor's Note PeopleSmart News was launched last month to address the dynamic aspects of interpersonal intelligence in everyday work situations. From Understanding Others to Team Development, you will find a wealth of information that you can apply immediately. Whether you're a team leader, organization member, or training professional the information presented in this publication is intended to help you work PeopleSmart. We welcome comments and contributions, please send an e-mail to the editor.

This month Dr. Mel Silberman, President of Active Training, explores the PeopleSmart tool of Clarifying Meaning. Going beyond just the facts is an important factor in understanding others. The examples Dr. Silberman uses illustrate this point effectively, the behaviors he identifies are critical to a deeper understanding of others. Learn how to integrate these behaviors and how to increase your interpersonal intelligence by reading his article.

Kimberly Wilson
Editor PeopleSmart News
kimw@activetraining.com

PEOPLESMART FREE TOOL

Clarifying Meaning

One path to understanding others is recognizing the significance of what the other person tells us -- the meaning behind the words. To understand others is to go beyond "just the facts, ma'am" asking yourself: "How must he feel?" "What does this mean to her?"

When you want a deeper understanding of someone else, there are three key behaviors you can use: ask open-ended questions, paraphrase and respond to feelings.

Ask Open-ended Questions

It's fairly obvious that you can learn more about what someone means by asking questions. When you ask questions, you also succeed in showing your interest in what the other person is saying. There are different categories of questions: direct or open-ended questions can be useful tools for clarifying meaning, while leading questions can impede good communication.

Direct questions are those which require a simple yes/no or factual response. "Did you like the movie?" "Where were you last night?" "Is Mary okay?" "Would you rather have chicken or fish for dinner?" "Who do you think you¹ll vote for in the election?" These are all examples of direct questions. They tend to be straightforward, and we can use them when you want specific information. Because their scope is precise, direct questions don¹t usually invite much elaboration from the speaker. Since they are usually "low demand," in this respect, direct questions are a non-threatening way to request clarification, especially from someone who is shy or anxious. (An exception to this would be a direct question posed in an abrupt or confronting way: "Do you care about me or not?")

Open-ended questions invite the speaker to expand or elaborate on her message. They offer more leeway to respond and share. "What was the upsetting part for you about what he said?" "How do you foresee things getting better on the job?" "Why do you think Bob was so quiet at dinner?" Use open-ended questions to encourage others to "open up" and share thoughts, feelings and opinions. By doing so, you increase your chances of learning what's really important to them.

Leading questions, in contrast, are really statements masquerading as questions. "Don't you think he was tacky to say that?" "Are you really going to wear that dress?" "Why didn¹t you call first?" Like judging, denying or giving unsolicited advice, asking leading questions puts others on the defensive. Rather than clarifying, they sidetrack communication. Most questions that start with a negative ("didn't he," "aren't you," "can't you") are probably leading questions.

Paraphrase

When you paraphrase, you reflect back to the speaker what you have heard. Do this by restating his message, accurately and succinctly, in your own words. Paraphrasing helps clarify meaning in two important ways. Firstly, by offering the speaker your version of what you¹ve heard, you test out your understanding. If you¹ve misconstrued, you give the speaker the opportunity to restate and correct the message. If you got it right, you¹ll get confirmation. Secondly, a paraphrase demonstrates your attention and interest, thus "rewarding" the speaker and encouraging him to share further, and at a deeper level. This maximizes your chances of learning what¹s really on his mind.

People sometimes reject the notion of paraphrasing, usually because they have had negative experiences with it. Paraphrasing is not effective if it turns into parroting:

Lou: "Man, she made me so mad!"

Sam: "So, like, she really made you mad."

Duh! Instead, use your own words:

Lou: "Man, she made me so mad!"

Sam: "She really ticked you off."

People also get turned off by overuse of trite formats for paraphrasing, such as "So, what I hear you saying is...." Avoid rote formulas. Just stating your own translation of the other person's message will be more immediate and genuine.

The following exchange took place between Suzanne Smith, a manager, and her employee, David White, who had been "called on the carpet."

Smith: Come in David. Have a seat. I suppose you're wondering why I want to talk to you.

White: Yes, I guess I am.

Smith: Well, David, recently something has come up that I want to know your feelings about. Remember the Adamson report?

White: What about it?

Smith: To be frank with you, there was a lot of disagreement on the figures that were used, and the boss wants the whole thing done over. It wasn't up to the level of the reports you've been turning out in the past. I have to admit that myself. But I want to hear your views about it.

White: Well, there isn't much to say. I sort of figured it would get rejected anyway. I wasn't happy about the damn thing either. (Getting a little emotional.)

Smith: You weren't pleased with it either?

White: Heck, no, I wasn't. Look, it takes about 25 to 30 hours, at least, for me to write up a report like that even when I've already worked up the figures! You know how long I spent on that report? About five hours! And I wasn't as sure on the figures as I should have been either.

Smith: You didn't get to put in much time on the report, is that it?

White: No, I didn't. In fact, I don't blame them for rejecting it at all. Like I said, it was a lousy job. But it won't be the last lousy job they get from me unless I get some help down here. There's no way I can run a research department and do the odds and ends that get sent in my direction. When we were a smaller outfit, it was possible, but not now.

Smith: You're saying that you have too many assignments then?

White: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying! (Getting more upset.) I'm expected to do everybody's odds and ends. Production wants this, marketing wants that, cost accounting wants something else. Then along comes the Control Committee and their report. They give me a week's notice to get it out. I know I'm running a staff department, but there's no way one person can handle it all. And this was a sloppy report, I know. But it won't be the last.

Paraphrasing may feel awkward at first and takes some practice to do smoothly and skillfully. When you succeed in concisely restating the core of the speaker's message, you'll probably know it. People usually respond to an effective paraphrase by saying "exactly!" or words to that effect, letting you know that you've grasped the meaning of what they've said.

Respond to Feeling

Feelings are a crucial aspect of meaning. Often the way someone feels about an event is far more important than the circumstances surrounding it. Yet many of us are hesitant to respond to others at a feeling level. We may see feelings as too personal to discuss. If you avoid acknowledging how others feel, you sacrifice a crucial aspect of understanding and connecting with them. In contrast, when you can translate your observations into an accurate reflection of someone's current feeling state, you are sharing a powerful acknowledgement of meaning.

Like paraphrasing, responding to feeling entails reflecting the speaker's message, essentially filling in the blank: "you feel ________." Feeling responses are particularly valuable to share when the speaker's tone and body language are conveying strong emotion (e.g., she has tears in her eyes), or when her words are laden with feeling ("it's just so nerve-wracking to go through this!"). In situations like these, the speaker's feelings may be the most salient part of the picture.

Two elements contribute to an effective feeling response: choosing the right feeling category and the right level of intensity. Examples of feeling categories include anger, happiness, sorrow and fear (mad, sad, glad and scared, in brief). All feelings can be experienced at low, medium or high levels. A low level of anger, for instance, might be irritation; a medium level, resentment; a high level, rage. For sorrow, a low level could be disappointment; a medium level, sadness; a high level, despair. It's important to gauge the speaker's feeling intensity when making a response. To say to someone who is livid with rage "you seem a little annoyed" will not convey understanding. The more you expand your feeling vocabulary to encompass a range of feeling categories and intensity levels, the better your ability to deliver a response that is on target will be.

When you are able to not only recognize what someone is feeling, but why he or she is feeling that way, you have come a long way toward understanding the meaning of his or experience. If you can listen carefully to another person and accurately reflect: "you feel _______ because _______," you will truly be standing in his or her shoes. (If you are unsure why, say something like: " I sense how disappointed you are but I don't know why. Help me understand.")

Sometimes speakers send mixed or confusing signals. When someone contradicts himself or displays body language that is not in sync with his words, it's hard to know what he really means. Skilled responding can be very helpful in situations like this. A tactful way to deal with a speaker's inconsistency is to say something like: "On the one hand, you're saying x, but on the other hand, you seem to be saying y. I'm confused." Then carefully listen and observe how the speaker responds. Paraphrase, or make a feeling response that reflects what you hear. The chances are good that the picture will become clearer.

Obviously, it takes conscious effort to use the skills involved in clarifying meaning. Initially, you may feel as if you are operating in slow motion when you practice these skills. If you stick with it, you'll begin to notice that you are starting to understand others at a deeper level, and that you are more often on the same wave length with people.

Keep 'em active.

Mel Silberman, Ph.D.

CALENDAR

There are several opportunities in the upcoming months to preview our new course: Working PeopleSmart, a comprehensive interpersonal skills training program where managers, supervisors, team leaders and anyone else whose people skills are critical to the success of your organization gain:

- Awareness of their interpersonal strengths and weaknesses
- Inspiration to work on their interpersonal development
- Strategies to get started that are immediately useful

Launched in September, Working PeopleSmart has been hosted by a wide variety of organizations, including: Depository Trade and Clearance Center, New York University School of Dentistry, Chevron, Dow Chemical, Merck, MGM Grand University, Tolas Health Care Packaging, and Princeton University Press.

a. June 27-28, 2001: Preview the entire 15 course in Princeton, NJ (email mel@activetraining.com for details)

b. Experience course highlights on the following dates:
- May 4, 2001, ASTD Washington, DC Chapter
- June 4, 2001, ASTD International Conference, Orlando, FL
- June 16, 2001, ASTD Fairfield County, CT Chapter
- October 10, 2001, ASTD Rocky Mountain Chapter (CO)

NEW ON THE WEBSITE

Recently, Active Training launched a new area to its site dedicated to PeopleSmart News and information. You can preview the Working PeopleSmart video online and view a short video presentation by Mel Silberman, "Developing a PeopleSmart Workforce" at www.activetraining.com/peoplesmart/default.htm.

You can now take the People Smart Rating Scale online and invite others to give you feedback on your interpersonal intelligence at www.activetraining.com/your_pq_choice.htm.

COMING SOON!!!!

Our next newsletter will feature "Ask Dr. Freda," a column in which you can submit your questions to Dr. Freda Hansburg. Dr. Hansburg is a psychologist and facilitator of change for both individuals and organizations. She is an adjunct professor in Adult and Organizational Development at Temple University and a partner in Active Training. Dr. Hansburg maintains a clinical practice with individuals and couples. She has provided consultation to numerous behavioral health and human service organizations.

Send your questions to freda@activetraining.com.

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